This is nothing to be proud of, this is nothing that someone
will want to be. This is not what I wanted to be for sure. I know now that if I could turn back time, I would just not
tell my ex-best friend that I purge everytime I eat. And I wouldn't tell her how to do it either. I would try to figure out
a different way to do what I am doing now. And here is my story.
It all started when I was around 8. I remember my parents always fighting
about some woman that my mom called "Blossom". I had no idea that this would turn into something so strong and something
that hurt me, but I had a HUGE desire of doing it more. I tried to drown out the fights, and the arguments between them.
But nothing worked. I would eat to kill the pain of having to see them fuss and fight all the time. It was like a disease
that had more control over me. I would eat so much that I couldn't stand to eat anything for hours. Then on top of that,
I would lay down. Oh, My It was horrible.
Age 9 my father, the one that I loved dearly and I thought that he would always
be there for me, pulled a gun on me and my mom. Loaded and everything. It was like I was a prisoner in my own
body with the food and the abuse.
Age 10, my doctor had put me on steriods. Which was horrific because they made
me gain weight. I really hated being the one that was over-weight, and fat. I was popular, and other people thought
that I was pretty. But to me, I wasn't, I was a fat slob that really needed Jenny Craige. And that was when I started
eating the most because, my parents were talking about getting a divorce.
When I began 6th grade, I thought that it would be the time to start my diet.
But I kept noticing that I was gaining more weight than I was losing. I didn't understand why this was happening to
me. I would BP, for those who don't know what that means it is Binge/Purge. Then, these retarded girls made up
this rumor that I was pregnant. I would hide in the bathroom, and cry my eyes out, because I knew when I walked in the
room they would be talking. So after 2 days, the whole school thought that I was actually pregnant. I wasn't,
I thought, that if I would tell them I was pregnant people wouldn't think that I was just fat. Which I was.
7th grade, I was the total popular girl. I was everything that I wanted
to be, because all of the fasting and purging. I tried to hold on to what I thought was perfection. I failed,
I became what I was in 6th grade again! I totally crashed and became something that I didn't want to be. I tried to
hide everything that was wrong with me.
My parents were still fighting which that wasn't helping any. So I thought,
when all else fails, cut.
I started cutting my wrist. I turned my pain into anger. I would yell at
anyone who came across as a bitch to me.
8th grade, I taught my friend how to purge. She thought that it was a wonderful
idea. I thought so too. A great best friend that both her and I could share something in common with. She had the same
problems at home as I did, but not as bad. That year my parents got a divorce. And I was losing weight because I was
turning my depression and anger into exercising and starvation to reach my goal of what I thought 'perfection' was.
During the summer I stopped, but it wasn't long before I started again. My parents
have no clue. After 8th grade having to tell them, it was hard to gain their trust again. I thought that doing
this would be the best thing in my life. But it isn't.
Sometimes it is my enemy, and others it is my Best Friend. The only one
that I'll ever have that will stick beside of me through thick and thin.
So you want to be like me? Having to get up in the middle of the night to
climb on the scale to make sure that I didn't gain any weight? Slowly walking to the kitchen and grabbing and shoving
everything in your mouth that you can think of? For all of you "haters" you think that your words of so-called 'help'
will actually make me think differently? It won't! So stop trying.
So if you want to be like me...Think Again!
--Allysin
